1. Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.When did you first notice this problem?What problem?
2. Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!
3. Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?Teacher: no, of course not.Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework
4. Q:What is the difference between a huband and a boyfriend?
   A:About 45 minutes !!
5. why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?
   'cause he was dead...
   why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?
   'cause he was dead too...
   why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?
   peer pressure...
6. A man receives a phone call from his doctor.The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
7. Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

8. Two goldfish in a bowl talking:

Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?

Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

things you will nvr hear a man say

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

While I'm up, can I get you anything?

Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore

Things you will nvr hear a woman say

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

What do you mean today's our anniversary?

Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

Low self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."